livin' la vida loaf-a.

i should be asleep. my dog isn't too happy about the fact that i just got out of bed and turned on the lights, and well, i'm not either.

i'm anxious- i go back to SD tomorrow, and instead of getting my head in gear, putting shit together, cleaning, and organizing, i'm bringing a boy with me, and we'll probably end up just lying in bed all day staring googley-eyed at the tv and at each other.

i'm entering my last quarter at UCSD, with three classes, one dead-end job, and one dead-end internship. i have three art schools to apply for, and really, i don't think i've been taking this whole portfolio thing as seriously as i should be. i met with ms. slatkin once, and she gave me some amazing feedback, but when she told me to get in touch with other people, i didn't exactly follow through. winter break has been one big rest period, with not much productivity to show for myself. but i have accomplished one thing- i finished reading twilight. i am ashamed. it's been one electro event after another, nonstop days-long kick-its, blazeblazeblaze, movies, and a trashy novel. substance-free january hasn't been off to a very good start either, but i kind of figured that it should start when school starts. makes sense, right? but at the rate i'm going, life doesn't seem to be slowing anytime soon..

there's some "rave" at ucsd on saturday, and i only want to go, because i'm addicted to house circles. designer drugs will be spinning at the arena in hollywood on january 13th, mark farina at spin on january 23rd, and futurecop! at the echo lounge on january 24th. this lifestyle i've built up since summer and have grown tenaciously attached to is hard to break free from, but i'm afraid it may destroy me. i'm addicted to our good times, our extreme highs, and our intense feelings, so much so that the rest of life feels incredibly mundane and almost numb. reality is coming at me full-speed with 11 weeks of UCSD left and art school apps due on february 1st. i need to do my goddamn parsons challenge, which has been circling in my mind for the past three weeks, and i need to re-print practically all of my photos, so they look presentable. i need to fix my room, because after a whole quarter of living there, it's still not finished. there is so much i need to do, but all i care about is what i want to do. if i let myself, i would become a vampire loaf, never leaving the house until it's dark outside, and never sleeping until practically sunrise. i would do nothing but sit and do drugs, as my muscles deteriorated into an unintelligible pile of mush, and my life turned into a psychedelic mess.

i think i'm screwed?