my heart hurts. all i can keep telling myself is, i'm meant for more i'm meant for more i'm meant for more.

it happened when i didn't get hired at wells fargo. i was disappointed at my phone interview failure, but later realized that maybe i'm just not meant to handle someone else's money; the thought of dressing professionally every day kind of made me want to vomit anyway. i told myself that "i'm meant for something else." and then art center admissions told me to apply for summer, rather than fall. if they are as enthusiastic about my portfolio when i submit it as they were at national portfolio day, then i'll be starting art school as early as may. no post-graduation 6-month lull, just a trip to NY and a month of well-deserved relaxation.

if i'm meant for more in the academic/professional aspect of my life, then i should be in the romance department, as well.

i'm not sure what it is about the human condition that makes us yearn for affection. i'd even go as far as to say that we need it. i think often about the quote from the end of Into the Wild- "happiness only exists when shared." but i guess that goes along the same lines as the fact that the identity of something is formed only by the existence of its opposition. how are we to know what happiness is without sadness? without either, we'd simply be numb, on autopilot, going through the motions of our day-to-day life for no real reason except that we're breathing.

i contemplated the other day about why people have pets. all lonely people in movies have a dog (i.e. kate winslet's character in The Holday and jack nicholson's character in As Good As It Gets). a lot of couples get pets before they consider a child. is it to replace the presence of human affection? is it simply easier to love an animal than it is to love another human being? i think about my dog a lot. i always say that he's perfect for someone who has no love in their life, because he looks into your eyes like he's in love with you, leans on you like you're his only one, and ecstatically welcomes you home, no matter how long you're away.

i like sleeping alone- but, i do sleep with a tight grip around my baby blanket, next to a family of stuffed animals that is steadily growing. it almost feels like i'm reverting back to childhood, back to the days when my shelves were packed with giant tigers, bunnies, and bears, except i now have a lemur, raver monkey, and dead hippo. why? i wouldn't like to think that i'm replacing the presence of a lover.

i've been engulfing myself in the twilight series, although i'm proudly not as obsessed/addicted as most. i'm almost done with the second one, new moon. i noticed today that since i lack romance, i indulge in someone else's. a someone else who isn't even a real person, mind you. as i pulled library books from the shelves, all i wanted to do was find out what was going to happen next. stephanie meyer has this way of pulling you in, making you feel like you're bella, and these fabricated males care about you. and i think that's why so many teenage/adolescent girls go crazy over her words. edward and jacob care so much, and you feel it. but they don't even exist.

i've been so focused on my future lately, that this kind of thing hasn't plagued me much, but it has more so lately than in the past four months. i'm not sure why; maybe it's the time of year?