words.

i watched the curious case of benjamin button tonight, and for the first time in a while, i was left speechless. once the credits rolled, i said, "whoa, that was intense," and that was the extent of my verbal reaction until my mom and i got home. i sat thinking about the film for a long time; everything about it was a fantasy, from the story line to the cinematography, so idealistic, but so emotinally real and hopeful that i came to wonder if living life that freely would ever be possible for me- sailing in the florida keys, moving to india, making love in a duplex all day and all night. when i realized it would never happen, i got angry, even more frustrated with the binds of our society. as jerry rubin says, the people who drop out of school have dropped into life. FUCK our education system and the years we spend studying things we'll never apply, but i still succumb to its soul-sucking gravitational pull for fear of falling under. if only my dad who abandoned me at birth owned an affluent button-making company and died leaving me everything..

but in any case, i now want to work in a convalescent home, and it was a beautiful film, so you should go see it.


on another note..

it's a love/hate relationship with words. i love to write and articulate the inner workings of my semi-twisted mind, but sometimes, what i feel is simply too grand to be encapsulated in a combination of letters and symbols that somehow make sense. i'm in the process of writing an essay for my application to SVA, and at 177 words, i'm stuck, yet have barely even begun. in 500 words or less, i'm supposed to explain my reasons for pursuing undergraduate study in the visual arts. excuse me, but how do i even start!? like this, i guess:

The idea that a single decision can determine the entire course of your life has always fascinated me. It’s a lot of pressure, really, thinking that letting a pedestrian cross first, forgetting your keys, or setting your watch five minutes fast can result in a direction you never once intended. But then there is also the saying that everything happens for a reason, as well as the comforting philosophy that wherever you are is exactly where you need to be at that moment. Supposedly, you inevitably end up in the same place, regardless of the path you choose to get you there, but it’s the journey that makes your final destination that much more worthwhile. Whatever I choose to believe to make the concept of life easier than a struggle, a series of fortunate events has led me to precisely where I am now – filling out art school applications in hopes that my passion, eye, and learned skills are enough to get me to where I want to be, on a new path with a new destination.

so there's that, but what now? i need to communicate how i came to discover my passion, how it grew, and how i broke away from every path my parents set out in front of me. i need to express the fact that nothing makes me feel as fulfilled as exercising my creative mind, showing others my vision, and channeling the lessons i've learned from life through a medium others can understand. it's impossible to share with admissions the magnitude of my love for art in a mere 500 words. "a picture is worth a thousand words," and if i sent them 500 pictures, even that may not suffice.

i exaggerate, but really, can't i just give them a hug and say that's why?