FUCK!

i've spent the last hour and a half or so tossing and turning in bed, completely uncomfortable and completely anxious.  my clothes wrinkle under me, my comforter wrinkles over me, my head is itchy, and i killed a silverfish on my wall, and i'm pretty sure he's got some homies hangin' around near my pillow- actually, i'm sure of it, cuz those fuckers are sneaky.  the plan was to stop studying at 1230 then fall asleep to dharma bums.  i got sleepy after reading a few pages, but the moment i turned off the lights and tried to sleep, my mind started racing with a million and a half thoughts.  i read a few more pages, got sleepy again, and turned off the lights, but then the cycle continued.  i have to wake up in four hours for work at 8am, but i guess that's what i get for training by internal clock to sleep at 4 and wake up sometime past noon.  thus, i blog.

i was thinking earlier today about how many different things i think about these days now that i lack a love interest.  my four blogs prior to this one contained nothing but petty ramblings about how he's not paying attention to me or how cute and happy we are together.  i just remember how stifling (and pathetic) it was to not even be able to read, because he hadn't called me back.  (here, i use "he" as a general term for any male i've been romantically involved with.)  now my mind wanders to the outer depths of everything, but of course, tonight, the feeling in my stomach leaves me lying awake.

i've been dreaming about them lately.  them ex-boyfriends.  almost every, single one has infected my dreams with "i want you back"s and "what was i thinking"s.  and each desperate plea has been met with smiles and butterflies on my end, concluding with us walking arm-in-arm off to some undisclosed location, happy.  i doubt it's my subconscious revealing my greatest desires, because if that happened, i'm pretty sure i'd be walking with my face in my hands off to some undisclosed location to scream and curse the complications i'd rather live without.  i don't know what it all means, but it's irritating, and maybe it's the fear of having another one of those dreams that's keeping me up tonight.  (actually, i'm pretty sure it's just the fact that i woke up past 1pm today.)  honestly, i'd rather dream about honeydew melon-faced men in trench coats with egg noodle hair and raisin eyes making my mom and i eat vats of corned beef hash.  (true story.)