"i have no life"

is something commonly said by people who are constantly working, school-ing, etc.-ing, but in the eyes of an unemployed post-grad, those are the ones who actually have a life.

i'm not someone who enjoys having nothing to do; i'm used to being consistently busy, always on the go, everywhere at the same time, but this week is different- i have no work, no school, no obligations, really. today i baked some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies that weren't exactly spectacular, yesterday i spent the day at sdsu looking for jobs, while my other meticulously completed his projects, and the day before, i cleaned my hurricane of a bedroom. i work out, snuzzle, and watch a mischievous bunny dart back and forth, chewing up my carpet and electrical cords. i'm not sure what i'll do tomorrow, but it's kind of nice to have time to think.

i used to be a constant blogger/journal writer before my life got the best of me. i used to cruise through others' pages, discovering new music and living vicariously. gladly, i no longer live vicariously, but rather, live my own life, but i do miss finding symbolism in places they don't exist.

this is the first time in my life that i can sit pretty and not really give a shit about anything, so i'm going to let myself not give a shit about anything. i'm going to take these five months to see where having nothing to do can take me. after reading the blog of a once-love who (i've realized once again) has a significant amount of depth, i'm going to regain interest in random things and explore this tiny world called san diego and discover all it has to offer me.

i seek to be more positive about this current state i'm in, despite the lack of productivity. life is good life is good life is good life is good life is good life is good.

tomorrow i hope for springtime weather for a springtime dress. curry atop a grassy knoll sounds quite delectable.

with that said, i'm going to smoke some weed.

Piles for Miles.

i believe in piles.









i am long overdue for a post, and it's been awfully long time since i've had a night alone, so it feels pretty nice to sit atop my mattress inside my tent inside my bedroom with my laptop in front of me and my baby blanket on my lap. tomorrow, i think i'll treat myself out.

i am aboard a plane to new york. i am a college graduate. i am struggling to put my emotions in to words, and for fear of sounding inarticulate, i will exercise the knowledge i gained during my last shroom trip, "things happen the most when we try the least." thus, i will simply say that my tummy is full of butterflies.

what i've been up to lately-

lovers&friends; house music/dancing; i got into art school (both parsons and art center, but i'm going to art center: http://www.artcenter.edu); it's my last finals week of ucsd; happy travels (vegas for roseanne's bday and NYC from march 19-april 6); i got a gig as a club/event photographer for this new company, status fio (www.statusfio.com). careful if you see me at an event, because i show no mercy-










right now? chemicals in my body; study meds (i'm blogging as i wait for them to kick in), caffeine, antibiotics, painkillers, and a whole lot serotonin (from natural causes).

Different Ways of Looking.

staying up all night has become pretty standard. midterms/papers/drugs/boys keep me up until morning. tomorrow is my COHI175 midterm, and i essentially had to learn six weeks of material in a single night. i started at 8pm after a wasted day of procrastination, laundry, moving couches, and el pollo loco. and i still have five lectures or so to review. i am just SO done with steam engines, the evolution of the human foot, and this theoretical bullshit about the "space of flows" and whatever the fuck it is i've been reading about. i swear, i never know where the hours go when i study. i go to class and do other things, so i'm stuck spending my free time learning things i should have learned during the time alotted for the learning. i waste my life. but i'm looking forward to studying what i actually want to do with the rest of my life. although that's what college was intended for..

it's kind of crazy how quickly things change. i've had this same discussion before with someone else, but one person can come into your life and steer you in an entirely different direction. i was supposed to stay unattached until art school, but life had other things in store for me. i really probably have no time for a male, but somehow the heart makes time appear out of thin air.

i spent a few minutes stupidly staring at pictures of us, then decided to crop. so, hello, i have a new project. think of it like nikki s. lee's "parts" project, perhaps..

stay tuned.

STUDY BREAK!

this is me right now, as i study for tomorrow's (today's) VIS159 midterm. i think i've developed some sort of learning disability, because i swear it takes me 3 hours to do something that should normally only take 30 minutes. that, or i'm just too stubborn to do what i'm supposed to do.

in other news, my metabolism has turned into something amazing. i've been taking some gnarly shits lately; i feel like i'm pooping the whole world!

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

<3sick.

little did i know when i shot this series that it would totally describe how i feel right now. it holds a lot more meaning to me now; it's no longer just an image that appeared in my head that i decided to execute.

i can't really explain the feeling except in a weird stutter of fragmented sentences. it's like,
omg, fuck, HIDE ME. but no wait- come back!.. please? oh, i mean- fuck.. i want you! shit, did i just say that out loud? omg, i'm freaking out. hang on, what? no.. i-

someone just please fucking help me, because i've lost all my motor skills.

American Photography.

this is the America i know- industrialized, capitalist, and polluted, self-righteously wearing a halo as the savior of the world. it's a little crooked and exudes a fantasy: the so-called "American dream." i've studied it a thousand times over, and i don't buy into it anymore.

this is photo#1 of my "Parsons Challenge," my strictly-Parsons supplement for my portfolio. it's been post-processed, and the more i learn the ins and outs of editing digital photos, the more i become convinced that without doing so, a photograph is merely a snapshot that anyone can luck upon.

such is an idea that i'm not happy with- that anyone can be a photographer. just because you have fancy equipment doesn't make you a photographer. brooks institute of photography in santa barbara requires no portfolio; you pay a fee, and you're in. it pisses me off how many people out there bastardize the term "photography." up the contrast of a landscape snapshot, and BAM- you're an artist. sorry, but that's now how it works, and that's not how it should work.

by no means do i consider myself an artist, or even a photographer. i am currently just someone who appreciates the art form and aspires to be something more. i try to use those valuable terms sparingly, because there are too many bastardizations of words these days. jerry rubin says that the only word in the english language that hasn't lost its impact is "FUCK."

i don't think you can be an artist without academic merit, without knowing what came before you and the movements that stemmed from each time period. i don't think you can justify your work without technical prowess. once again, i don't think an image is a photograph until it's been worked.

photography isn't about the equipment or tools you use; it's about having a vision and how the equipment and programs available can help you communicate that vision.

One.

i visited the balboa park museum of man today for a senior seminar assignment.  i wandered through the halls of the 4 million year history of mankind, taking notes about the displays and inferring on the target audience.  i left through the double doors and wandered around as the daytime was coming to an end.  i stopped at the organ pavilion and contemplated a new photography project.  i walked back to my car and proceeded to read new moon with my feet rested atop my dashboard.  as edward came face-to-face with felix and demetri of the volturi, i heard gentle patters on the roof and looked outside.  i stepped out as it started to rain lightly, and behind me was the sun setting, blazing the sky into a brilliant orange.  i turned to look at the other side of the atmosphere, gray clouds foreshadowing a shower, and a faint rainbow stretched all the way across the sky.  i stared at it for a long moment as it faded.

i've been experiencing a lot of moments like that lately.  "oneness," laine calls it.  being one with the universe and experiencing kismet with every aspect of nature.  serendipity in its simplest form.

i've been crying a lot lately- not out of sadness, but out of happiness.  moved to tears by things as simple as a rainbow in the sky or the art center catalogue.  i've been absorbing everything, and sometimes i feel like i'm going to die soon, because it's almost wrong for someone to experience so much beauty in such a concentrated period of time.  it's funny how that works- when you're too happy, you cry.  it's almost like when something is too good, it turns bad, but really, it's not bad at all.  before recently, happiness moved me to tears on very rare occasions, like my surprise party for my 15th birthday.  i stood by the claw machine at domenico's trying to pass my red face and watering eyes as irritation from the silly string sprayed in my face.

i realized that that's why i have such a passion for photography.  i see so much beauty around me all the time, and photographs are my medium of expression, my way to show others what i see, because beauty like that needs to be shared.  it's my speechless form of communication, because most of the time, words aren't enough.

i welcomed the night with a caramel milk tea with egg pudding and a drive back to ucsd listening to jlee's "lion jams vol. 1" mix.

why is life so good?  because i live it as such.  i think life always has the potential to be good, regardless of any shitty conditions that may present themselves.  it all depends on how you perceive the world.  january is finally starting to get colder, but i've never felt warmer inside.

everything seems to be falling into place lately.  one is my new favorite number.

what i've been working on lately-

dodging, burning, and the like.

(top: original; bottom: modified.)

my heart hurts. all i can keep telling myself is, i'm meant for more i'm meant for more i'm meant for more.

it happened when i didn't get hired at wells fargo. i was disappointed at my phone interview failure, but later realized that maybe i'm just not meant to handle someone else's money; the thought of dressing professionally every day kind of made me want to vomit anyway. i told myself that "i'm meant for something else." and then art center admissions told me to apply for summer, rather than fall. if they are as enthusiastic about my portfolio when i submit it as they were at national portfolio day, then i'll be starting art school as early as may. no post-graduation 6-month lull, just a trip to NY and a month of well-deserved relaxation.

if i'm meant for more in the academic/professional aspect of my life, then i should be in the romance department, as well.

i'm not sure what it is about the human condition that makes us yearn for affection. i'd even go as far as to say that we need it. i think often about the quote from the end of Into the Wild- "happiness only exists when shared." but i guess that goes along the same lines as the fact that the identity of something is formed only by the existence of its opposition. how are we to know what happiness is without sadness? without either, we'd simply be numb, on autopilot, going through the motions of our day-to-day life for no real reason except that we're breathing.

i contemplated the other day about why people have pets. all lonely people in movies have a dog (i.e. kate winslet's character in The Holday and jack nicholson's character in As Good As It Gets). a lot of couples get pets before they consider a child. is it to replace the presence of human affection? is it simply easier to love an animal than it is to love another human being? i think about my dog a lot. i always say that he's perfect for someone who has no love in their life, because he looks into your eyes like he's in love with you, leans on you like you're his only one, and ecstatically welcomes you home, no matter how long you're away.

i like sleeping alone- but, i do sleep with a tight grip around my baby blanket, next to a family of stuffed animals that is steadily growing. it almost feels like i'm reverting back to childhood, back to the days when my shelves were packed with giant tigers, bunnies, and bears, except i now have a lemur, raver monkey, and dead hippo. why? i wouldn't like to think that i'm replacing the presence of a lover.

i've been engulfing myself in the twilight series, although i'm proudly not as obsessed/addicted as most. i'm almost done with the second one, new moon. i noticed today that since i lack romance, i indulge in someone else's. a someone else who isn't even a real person, mind you. as i pulled library books from the shelves, all i wanted to do was find out what was going to happen next. stephanie meyer has this way of pulling you in, making you feel like you're bella, and these fabricated males care about you. and i think that's why so many teenage/adolescent girls go crazy over her words. edward and jacob care so much, and you feel it. but they don't even exist.

i've been so focused on my future lately, that this kind of thing hasn't plagued me much, but it has more so lately than in the past four months. i'm not sure why; maybe it's the time of year?

thanks to my speeding ticket-

instead of attending my 10am section, i stopped at san onofre state beach and took pictures of pretty flowers. :) the man will never get me down!

Walking on a Dream..

my dream is no longer out of reach, and i now know where i stand. SVA told me that i'm solid; i am what they look for in terms of admission, and although i'm not quite scholarship status yet, if i push myself in the next month, i could be. parsons said my work was confrontational, in-your-face, and almost tongue-in-cheek (does that sounds like a contradiction?). while i have to consider the order in which i present my work, they rated my portfolio at 5 out of 6. i told art center that i was applying for the fall semester; they told me that i have a lot of worthy pieces and am ready to apply as early as summer.

we blazed, drank, and hit up LAX to celebrate, but after waiting at the front of the line for 40 minutes, we peed, danced for 5 minutes, and stood for another 10 before we bounced. we ended up blown at pink's, which turned out to be a much better idea.

today was asian markets and a shoot in the mountains.

jlee, nathan, deanne, and i will be heading to NYC for spring break. i'll be checking out my art school prospects, but i think my heart is set with art center. i would be starting as early as may. looking through their catalogue last night, i started crying. my dream is tangible now, and i'm almost there...

People Portfolio

happy saturday night. while you've been partying/dancing/socializing/getting fucked up/whatever it is you do on a saturday night, i've been working on my portfolio. after meeting with alyssa today, my portfolio has taken an entirely different turn. i've eliminated almost everything that was originally supposed to be included and added some pieces i never even considered. it feels a lot more comfortable and cohesive now that i'm not trying to showcase everything i know how to do, but rather what i'm best at. i never like to limit myself, which is why i included so many different pieces, but when i viewed them all in a folder, it felt disjointed and unfocused. thus, after several hours of dodging, burning, and healing brush-ing, i present to you, my people portfolio...












i still have to shoot more, and i may possibly include a few landscapes and food. i have to come up with some cohesive order as well, so they flow nicely, at least in terms of color.

be sure to view them larger, because the little ones lack a lot of the detail i spent hours slaving over. if you found yourself in one of the photos, then congratulations! you made the cut. ;)

Psychedelic Mess.

i have no idea wtf these are; i was just fuckin' around-





trying my hand at cross-processing.

i'm home for the 3-day weekend, and i spent the day in carson after missing a meeting i could've actually made up, had i not run away. i briefly freaked out over being inadequate, then smoked weed and mellowed out. tripped out on how much goes on at once at 5pm, and missed out on some robert frank-worthy moments. sought and found, but left behind. relentlessly chowed down on L&L, banana chips, and cat tongues.

now i'm home, wasting time. last i checked, it was 1130, now somehow it's almost 230. i'm not sure how that happened.

tomorrow, another meeting, another mouth full.

national portfolio day is this sunday; the moment of truth; judgement day. dun dun dun...

DO SOMETHING.

i never seem to let myself stay miserable for too long. about thirty minutes ago, i was filled with feelings of loneliness, disappointment, and self-doubt- disappointment in myself and in my increasing inability to connect with people; doubt about my future and about my life. someone once told me that the space you live in reflects who you are, and well, my room is usually a mess, so i guess i'm a mess, too. i got off my ass and vacuumed, cleaned my bathroom counter, and wrote "DO SOMETHING" all over my bathroom mirror. professor manovich said something about precision in my art and technology class today, and it hit home. all my life, i have half-assed everything, gotten by, been granted with some breaks i probably didn't deserve. it's starting to occur to me now that in the "real world," people who half-ass are going no where fast. ms. slatkin told me something about craftmanship when she reviewed my portfolio, and it was then that i realized if i wanna be an artist, i can't just say "fuck it" if i cut a corner too closely. I can't say "oh well," when i get spray mount on the front of my photograph. I can't say "that'll do" if something's not perfect. i think a lot of my uncertainties lately have been caused by my recent sobriety. no more smoking at night, no more drinking, no more drugs. it's only been a few days, but that's a few days more than the norm. i've actually had free time to reflect. i've been painting and rearranging. i've been looking for jobs and taking care of things. i've been exercising and trying to be healthier. and i've been thinking a lot. i've been ruminating over my lifestyle, realizing that things need to change, not soon, but NOW. i need to fucking DO SOMETHING, man. something myself, with my life, with my talents, with my intelligence, with my privileges, with every fucking fiber of my being that i've been given.

livin' la vida loaf-a.

i should be asleep. my dog isn't too happy about the fact that i just got out of bed and turned on the lights, and well, i'm not either.

i'm anxious- i go back to SD tomorrow, and instead of getting my head in gear, putting shit together, cleaning, and organizing, i'm bringing a boy with me, and we'll probably end up just lying in bed all day staring googley-eyed at the tv and at each other.

i'm entering my last quarter at UCSD, with three classes, one dead-end job, and one dead-end internship. i have three art schools to apply for, and really, i don't think i've been taking this whole portfolio thing as seriously as i should be. i met with ms. slatkin once, and she gave me some amazing feedback, but when she told me to get in touch with other people, i didn't exactly follow through. winter break has been one big rest period, with not much productivity to show for myself. but i have accomplished one thing- i finished reading twilight. i am ashamed. it's been one electro event after another, nonstop days-long kick-its, blazeblazeblaze, movies, and a trashy novel. substance-free january hasn't been off to a very good start either, but i kind of figured that it should start when school starts. makes sense, right? but at the rate i'm going, life doesn't seem to be slowing anytime soon..

there's some "rave" at ucsd on saturday, and i only want to go, because i'm addicted to house circles. designer drugs will be spinning at the arena in hollywood on january 13th, mark farina at spin on january 23rd, and futurecop! at the echo lounge on january 24th. this lifestyle i've built up since summer and have grown tenaciously attached to is hard to break free from, but i'm afraid it may destroy me. i'm addicted to our good times, our extreme highs, and our intense feelings, so much so that the rest of life feels incredibly mundane and almost numb. reality is coming at me full-speed with 11 weeks of UCSD left and art school apps due on february 1st. i need to do my goddamn parsons challenge, which has been circling in my mind for the past three weeks, and i need to re-print practically all of my photos, so they look presentable. i need to fix my room, because after a whole quarter of living there, it's still not finished. there is so much i need to do, but all i care about is what i want to do. if i let myself, i would become a vampire loaf, never leaving the house until it's dark outside, and never sleeping until practically sunrise. i would do nothing but sit and do drugs, as my muscles deteriorated into an unintelligible pile of mush, and my life turned into a psychedelic mess.

i think i'm screwed?