i watched the curious case of benjamin button tonight, and for the first time in a while, i was left speechless. once the credits rolled, i said, "whoa, that was intense," and that was the extent of my verbal reaction until my mom and i got home. i sat thinking about the film for a long time; everything about it was a fantasy, from the story line to the cinematography, so idealistic, but so emotinally real and hopeful that i came to wonder if living life that freely would ever be possible for me- sailing in the florida keys, moving to india, making love in a duplex all day and all night. when i realized it would never happen, i got angry, even more frustrated with the binds of our society. as jerry rubin says, the people who drop out of school have dropped into life. FUCK our education system and the years we spend studying things we'll never apply, but i still succumb to its soul-sucking gravitational pull for fear of falling under. if only my dad who abandoned me at birth owned an affluent button-making company and died leaving me everything..
but in any case, i now want to work in a convalescent home, and it was a beautiful film, so you should go see it.
on another note..
it's a love/hate relationship with words. i love to write and articulate the inner workings of my semi-twisted mind, but sometimes, what i feel is simply too grand to be encapsulated in a combination of letters and symbols that somehow make sense. i'm in the process of writing an essay for my application to SVA, and at 177 words, i'm stuck, yet have barely even begun. in 500 words or less, i'm supposed to explain my reasons for pursuing undergraduate study in the visual arts. excuse me, but how do i even start!? like this, i guess:
The idea that a single decision can determine the entire course of your life has always fascinated me. It’s a lot of pressure, really, thinking that letting a pedestrian cross first, forgetting your keys, or setting your watch five minutes fast can result in a direction you never once intended. But then there is also the saying that everything happens for a reason, as well as the comforting philosophy that wherever you are is exactly where you need to be at that moment. Supposedly, you inevitably end up in the same place, regardless of the path you choose to get you there, but it’s the journey that makes your final destination that much more worthwhile. Whatever I choose to believe to make the concept of life easier than a struggle, a series of fortunate events has led me to precisely where I am now – filling out art school applications in hopes that my passion, eye, and learned skills are enough to get me to where I want to be, on a new path with a new destination.
so there's that, but what now? i need to communicate how i came to discover my passion, how it grew, and how i broke away from every path my parents set out in front of me. i need to express the fact that nothing makes me feel as fulfilled as exercising my creative mind, showing others my vision, and channeling the lessons i've learned from life through a medium others can understand. it's impossible to share with admissions the magnitude of my love for art in a mere 500 words. "a picture is worth a thousand words," and if i sent them 500 pictures, even that may not suffice.
i exaggerate, but really, can't i just give them a hug and say that's why?
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
progress.
so far, this winter break has been absolutely amazing. it's essentially been an expanded version of our epic weekends, in that we do it every day. i've done a little bit of art school application work, but for the most part, i've simply been recharging and reconnecting. i live life as a vampire almost every day, sleeping when the sun rises and not leaving the house until it's dark outside. i've rediscovered my first love and old friends. i dancedancedanced to fake blood and schmoozed with designer drugs. i bounced to la riots and danced on top of booths to steve aoki. we smoked bowls overlooking my glittering city, and rang in jlee's 21st at the crosby with grilled cheese, sweet potato fries, and the greatest sundae known to man. we leave for san francisco tomorrow night and will celebrate NYE with benny benassi, mark farina, dirty south, and moby.
new year's resolution:
take better care of myself - i mean that in terms of health, hygiene, and appearance. my muscles have deteriorated, and although i've only gained 4 pounds, it's 4 pounds of pure, unadulterated marijuana-induced indulgence. it's time to run miles and obtain wealth through health. i'm enrolling in a cycling/spinning class and will house session at culture shock every monday night. i'm gonna floss, take multi-vitamins daily, adjust my sleeping pattern, and eat my fruits and veggies... that's the plan, anyway.
goal for 2009:
get myself where i need to be. art school, art school, art school - that's where i need to be. i need to be amongst ambitious, challenging, inspiring characters, and i need to reach my full potential. i know it's there; i know it's in me; i just need to bring it out.
i have enough good memories to last someone a lifetime, so come 2009, i'm getting my head back in the game. i'm going to get my "be free" tattoo to mark the life-changing year that was 2008 and to remind myself of everything i've learned. it will be (believe it or not) a substance-free january, so i can feel what it's like to be rid of all these chemicals and be left with nothing but my own.
i'm starting a new project called "LIVE YOUR VISION." it was inspired by a painting we saw hanging in the crosby, and it will start with a performance art piece on hippie hill in san francisco. i envision a community, much like those embodied by PLUR, and i seek to recreate it amongst those who already live by the mindset. it will involve paint, our bodies, and several feet of butcher paper. no brushes.
get rrrready, sf.
new year's resolution:
take better care of myself - i mean that in terms of health, hygiene, and appearance. my muscles have deteriorated, and although i've only gained 4 pounds, it's 4 pounds of pure, unadulterated marijuana-induced indulgence. it's time to run miles and obtain wealth through health. i'm enrolling in a cycling/spinning class and will house session at culture shock every monday night. i'm gonna floss, take multi-vitamins daily, adjust my sleeping pattern, and eat my fruits and veggies... that's the plan, anyway.
goal for 2009:
get myself where i need to be. art school, art school, art school - that's where i need to be. i need to be amongst ambitious, challenging, inspiring characters, and i need to reach my full potential. i know it's there; i know it's in me; i just need to bring it out.
i have enough good memories to last someone a lifetime, so come 2009, i'm getting my head back in the game. i'm going to get my "be free" tattoo to mark the life-changing year that was 2008 and to remind myself of everything i've learned. it will be (believe it or not) a substance-free january, so i can feel what it's like to be rid of all these chemicals and be left with nothing but my own.
i'm starting a new project called "LIVE YOUR VISION." it was inspired by a painting we saw hanging in the crosby, and it will start with a performance art piece on hippie hill in san francisco. i envision a community, much like those embodied by PLUR, and i seek to recreate it amongst those who already live by the mindset. it will involve paint, our bodies, and several feet of butcher paper. no brushes.
get rrrready, sf.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Portfolio Prospectives.
today was an interesting day. i woke up at 1pm to a text from my so-called "first love" to go see a movie. i facebooked/myspaced for 2 hours, showered and got ready around 3, chatted with my aunt and cousin for a bit, then headed out in the rain to meet up. i have to admit that i was a bit of a nervous pervous, seeing as though we hadn't hung out in three years, and our last run-in at comic con found me with butterflies in my stomach, despite the fact that i was with a guy i was presently talking to. they say that the first love never dies, and i will have to admit that maybe they're right. it felt the same, still comfortable, and i felt like i was in a strange time warp. he took me to this park near our high school where we used to fuck in the back seat of my car. we caught up, and decided we're still pretty much the same people, except i'm a "hooligan," and he drives. ;) i'll refrain from all the "rekindling an old flame" bullshit, cuz i'm not sure if it's even headed in that direction anyhow. updates later, i'm sure.
in other news, i'm meeting up with my high school photography teacher tomorrow morning, so she can help me build my portfolio. which leads me to the purpose of this post. portfolio prospectives (click on the images to see them larger)-
"OBJECTS"- this was a performance art piece created for my VIS2 class. it was inspired by a laura mulvey quote that said something about how analyzing beauty destroys it and a filmmaker who took 60's porn clips and covered all of the naked females with nailpolish, creating the illusion of males fucking an amorphous blob. its purpose was to test the limits of female sexuality. i surveyed several people via myspace bulletins asking people to name random objects that would never remind them of sex. i accumulated the best suggestions, and fashioned them in lengerie form. the idea was, if an almost naked female adorned herself in nonsexual objects, would you still think of sex? i sought to create outfits so ridiculous they were no longer sexy.
"NAKED PROJECT"- another one for my VIS2 class, we had to be "naked," in whatever way to chose to interpret the term. i chose to interpret it literally, and somewhat connected to my "OBJECTS" project, i sought to present my body as an object on a pedestal (because my friend once told me to "put the pussy on a pedestal"). i played off those cheesy black bar censors seen on television and magazines. in the heart of hillcrest, i dressed myself in nothing but black painted cardboard and stood atop of a bus stop bench. the reactions i received ranged from strange looks, to looking away, to screams and honks. it's funny that plenty of people love looking at naked bodies, but it all depends on context. in a situation so blatantly public, people feel as though they're not supposed to. i guess being a voyeur is a private, secretive act.
"UNTITLED STICKER PROJECT"- i was given a sticker novel project to do in my COMT108 class. the rules were simple- write on stickers and post them somewhere. because i have an affinity for sex and controversial topics, i decided to write about deceivingly sexual situations. i wanted to prove a point as well, that human sexuality is conditioned in us as we grow up. thus, i posted the stickers in a children's park. if a child were to read any of the stickers (except for maybe the one that blatantly says "sex"), they would think nothing of it, but if one of their parents were to read it, they would most likely try to shield their child's mind from becoming corrupt. the last "SEX" sticker on the drinking fountain was placed there mostly for fun, but also partly because if you think about it, drinking from a water fountain is quite sexual- c'mon.. water squirts, someone drinks (and swallows) it, and there is also the possibility of consuming the saliva of the preceding thirsty individual. i also just like the word "sex."
"REVEALING THE APPARATUS"- a project stemmed from the clever idea of my friend ralph, it's relatively self-explanatory. while revealing the apparatus in the medium of film is primarily a bad thing (i.e. a boom mic slip on the edge of a frame, the camera man in the mirror, etc.), i subverted the idea, and revealed the apparatus in a somewhat absurd manner. my VIS165 final project was an extension of this, but in my mind, the original still reigns supreme.
"THE CLOTHESLINE"- my best work seems to have been done for my VIS2 class. another performance art piece involving hierarchies and the class implications of clotheslines. along with roxsan and phil, we strung our unwanted clothes in the heart of an affluent neighborhood in la jolla. performance art is all about context, and we took a lower class symbol out of its element. as expected in uptight la jolla, an angry observer reprimanded us for defacing his property and threatened to call the cops.
"TEXT DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF AN IMAGE"- this is the finished version of the VIS164 final project i blogged about a couple weeks back, which looks a lot more impressive in person. it spans about nine feet in length, and is my favorite project to date. once again, i wished to rebel against the assignment and touch on the fact that when text is added to an image, it automatically directs the audience to take in a certain meaning. while that may be the purpose of several works, in the greater sense of an image and the idea that "a picture is worth a thousand words," several interpretations are prevented once text is added. most images are literally blocked by the text, and they depict barriers, starting literally (fences, gates, locks, closed doors) and becoming more metaphorical (sleeping, time, money, the sky as a barrier from the rest of the galaxy). the images within the spaces between words are photos of openings, permission, or allowance, reflecting the opportunities between words, whether in the form of spaces or pauses, to change the direction of a conversation or for someone else to interject. this project also accurately depicts my aesthetic and lifestyle... in a nutshell, of course.
i have to add more, but these are the shoe-ins in my mind so far. brace yourself for an intensely long portfolio prospectives pt. 2 post.
huzzah! gnite.
in other news, i'm meeting up with my high school photography teacher tomorrow morning, so she can help me build my portfolio. which leads me to the purpose of this post. portfolio prospectives (click on the images to see them larger)-
"OBJECTS"- this was a performance art piece created for my VIS2 class. it was inspired by a laura mulvey quote that said something about how analyzing beauty destroys it and a filmmaker who took 60's porn clips and covered all of the naked females with nailpolish, creating the illusion of males fucking an amorphous blob. its purpose was to test the limits of female sexuality. i surveyed several people via myspace bulletins asking people to name random objects that would never remind them of sex. i accumulated the best suggestions, and fashioned them in lengerie form. the idea was, if an almost naked female adorned herself in nonsexual objects, would you still think of sex? i sought to create outfits so ridiculous they were no longer sexy.
"NAKED PROJECT"- another one for my VIS2 class, we had to be "naked," in whatever way to chose to interpret the term. i chose to interpret it literally, and somewhat connected to my "OBJECTS" project, i sought to present my body as an object on a pedestal (because my friend once told me to "put the pussy on a pedestal"). i played off those cheesy black bar censors seen on television and magazines. in the heart of hillcrest, i dressed myself in nothing but black painted cardboard and stood atop of a bus stop bench. the reactions i received ranged from strange looks, to looking away, to screams and honks. it's funny that plenty of people love looking at naked bodies, but it all depends on context. in a situation so blatantly public, people feel as though they're not supposed to. i guess being a voyeur is a private, secretive act.
"UNTITLED STICKER PROJECT"- i was given a sticker novel project to do in my COMT108 class. the rules were simple- write on stickers and post them somewhere. because i have an affinity for sex and controversial topics, i decided to write about deceivingly sexual situations. i wanted to prove a point as well, that human sexuality is conditioned in us as we grow up. thus, i posted the stickers in a children's park. if a child were to read any of the stickers (except for maybe the one that blatantly says "sex"), they would think nothing of it, but if one of their parents were to read it, they would most likely try to shield their child's mind from becoming corrupt. the last "SEX" sticker on the drinking fountain was placed there mostly for fun, but also partly because if you think about it, drinking from a water fountain is quite sexual- c'mon.. water squirts, someone drinks (and swallows) it, and there is also the possibility of consuming the saliva of the preceding thirsty individual. i also just like the word "sex."
"REVEALING THE APPARATUS"- a project stemmed from the clever idea of my friend ralph, it's relatively self-explanatory. while revealing the apparatus in the medium of film is primarily a bad thing (i.e. a boom mic slip on the edge of a frame, the camera man in the mirror, etc.), i subverted the idea, and revealed the apparatus in a somewhat absurd manner. my VIS165 final project was an extension of this, but in my mind, the original still reigns supreme.
"THE CLOTHESLINE"- my best work seems to have been done for my VIS2 class. another performance art piece involving hierarchies and the class implications of clotheslines. along with roxsan and phil, we strung our unwanted clothes in the heart of an affluent neighborhood in la jolla. performance art is all about context, and we took a lower class symbol out of its element. as expected in uptight la jolla, an angry observer reprimanded us for defacing his property and threatened to call the cops.
"TEXT DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF AN IMAGE"- this is the finished version of the VIS164 final project i blogged about a couple weeks back, which looks a lot more impressive in person. it spans about nine feet in length, and is my favorite project to date. once again, i wished to rebel against the assignment and touch on the fact that when text is added to an image, it automatically directs the audience to take in a certain meaning. while that may be the purpose of several works, in the greater sense of an image and the idea that "a picture is worth a thousand words," several interpretations are prevented once text is added. most images are literally blocked by the text, and they depict barriers, starting literally (fences, gates, locks, closed doors) and becoming more metaphorical (sleeping, time, money, the sky as a barrier from the rest of the galaxy). the images within the spaces between words are photos of openings, permission, or allowance, reflecting the opportunities between words, whether in the form of spaces or pauses, to change the direction of a conversation or for someone else to interject. this project also accurately depicts my aesthetic and lifestyle... in a nutshell, of course.
i have to add more, but these are the shoe-ins in my mind so far. brace yourself for an intensely long portfolio prospectives pt. 2 post.
huzzah! gnite.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
lucky streak.
yesterday, i woke up at 820 when i was supposed to get to work by 8. i called in saying that i overslept and would be there asap, but decided instead to get back into bed for a few minutes. next thing i know, it's 1030, and my first shift ends at 11. i showed up at 1 for my second shift, and instead of reprimanding me for my negligence, my boss asked me if i was okay. i spent half the work day clearing book drops and delivering shit with my co-working nicole, and the second half in a secret underground world of geisel library getting paid $10.07 an hour to eat free food.
i stayed up til 2 or 3am last night playing drunken/high cranium with the roomies, despite the fact that i had a final project critique this morning at 8am. i told myself that i can wake up in the morning if i know i really need to, but to my surprise, when i opened my eyes, it was 1020. i showed up to my critique over two and a half hours late, and nothing happened. i presented my "TEXT DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF AN IMAGE" project, and my professor said it was an excellent use of text and image, and it was really well thought out. in my hustle and bustle to get my stoner ass to school, i left my first project at home, which i was supposed to turn in with my final. i frantically texted my roomies to bring it for me, and roxsan came to my rescue and left it outside of the classroom. to top it off, because i was late, i parked in a 15 min. max parking spot, and arrived right when parking enforcement was assigning tickets. when i returned to my car two hours later to find that it was the only one left, i was ticket-less.
i'm not sure how it's possible for someone to be so lucky, but i'm ever so grateful, and i think it's time for me to stop pulling this risky shit.
i stayed up til 2 or 3am last night playing drunken/high cranium with the roomies, despite the fact that i had a final project critique this morning at 8am. i told myself that i can wake up in the morning if i know i really need to, but to my surprise, when i opened my eyes, it was 1020. i showed up to my critique over two and a half hours late, and nothing happened. i presented my "TEXT DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF AN IMAGE" project, and my professor said it was an excellent use of text and image, and it was really well thought out. in my hustle and bustle to get my stoner ass to school, i left my first project at home, which i was supposed to turn in with my final. i frantically texted my roomies to bring it for me, and roxsan came to my rescue and left it outside of the classroom. to top it off, because i was late, i parked in a 15 min. max parking spot, and arrived right when parking enforcement was assigning tickets. when i returned to my car two hours later to find that it was the only one left, i was ticket-less.
i'm not sure how it's possible for someone to be so lucky, but i'm ever so grateful, and i think it's time for me to stop pulling this risky shit.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
stream of consciousness.
i want to get lost. lost in thought, lost in emotion, lost in feeling, lost in you, lost in love, lost in life. lose track of time, lose track of where i'm going, lose track of my senses, lose sense feeling, lose sense of consciousness, lose sense of anything that could possibly make any sense at all. i want to live nonsense, be nonsense, be anywhere and no where at all. i want to be in two places at once, i want to be everywhere at once. i want to escape my body, crawl out of my skin, crawl out of this hole, and be somewhere else. be free from this being, be free from my past, be free from what's ahead, be free from everything i need, want, and have. i have to be this, that, or something else completely, but i don't want to have to anymore, i don't want to have anything anymore. i just want to be.
i want to keep driving until i don't know where i am and don't know where i'll end up. i want to be somewhere new, and i don't want to know how to get back. i want to get lost and find a new way. a new way of seeing, a new way of thinking, a new way of feeling, a new way of being.
i really just want to get lost. everything is too familiar and too comfortable, and there comes a point when too comfortable becomes uncomfortable.
i want to keep driving until i don't know where i am and don't know where i'll end up. i want to be somewhere new, and i don't want to know how to get back. i want to get lost and find a new way. a new way of seeing, a new way of thinking, a new way of feeling, a new way of being.
i really just want to get lost. everything is too familiar and too comfortable, and there comes a point when too comfortable becomes uncomfortable.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Revealing the Apparatus
the following is my final project for my vis165 camera techniques class. it stemmed off of a similar project i did back in january, involving that same rain/hose scene, but with different people and a different location. i think it's self-explanatory..
Friday, December 5, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
my take on drugs.
there's a buzz in my head, and i should really be reading about jack smith, but in any case, i'm typing like a mad woman.
as i was about to venture off into experimental film land, i started thinking about drugs. as an advocate of controversial issues, drugs is one of my favorite topics. jon lee once told me that i was the first person to get him to realize that drugs aren't bad. now, i'm not sure if that's something to be proud of (the majority probably thinks it's not), but perhaps i can present you with a different perspective.
i told him that drugs are simply a different way of experiencing your consciousness. you're still you, just a bit more open and perhaps in a different dimension.
before i started reading the lyrical vomit of richard foreman, i kind of traveled back in my 16-year old mind and thought, "i've been sober for sixteen years. i think it's time to feel something else."
it was new years eve of my 16th year of life when i first drank alcohol. granted, it was just a tiny bottle of smirnoff ice, but you gotta start small. then it was the new years eve of following year when i first smoked weed. it was out of an aluminum bud light can in brad's backyard near the jacuzzi, and granted, i didn't feel anything, because i'm pretty sure i smoked it wrong, but nonetheless, the taste of delectable mary jane smoke filled my mouth.
i told myself it would stop there, that i would never try anything else, but as they say, marijuana is the gateway drug, but (i've used this line before) i do believe it's the gateway to heaven. that is, if heaven equals shrooms, ecstacy, and adderall. i probably shouldn't be so candid about this, because to most people, drugs are a big deal, but really, they're not. jerry rubin once said that the only expert on marijuana is the one who smokes marijuana. you can talk your shit, if you're one of those people bound to the constructs of society, but i can rise above and say that i see past all of it. all the institutions, all the prejudice, all the unprecedented religious ideals, all the things we're taught we "should" do or "should" be; i'm free.
the eve of my 20th birthday was my first trip on shrooms, and i entered a new decade through another galaxy. i lost my ability to distinguish so-called reality from the fabrications of my toxin-ed brain. new years eve of 2008 was my first trip on ecstacy, and it's been a journey through the universe of emotions since then. i've felt things most people will never feel. i don't recall when exactly i first tried adderall, but it was sometime during spring quarter of 2008 writing a paper on the punk rock movement for LTWL120 class, and for a while, it was my favorite drug. it enabled me to succumb to the institutions and responsibilities i despise. i called it the "no bullshit drug."
"i've been sober for sixteen years. i think it's time to feel something else," but much in the same way, too much of any feeling is no good. your body knows when it's had enough, but your mind keeps wanting more, and it's the balance between the two that keeps you sane.
the mind is the most powerful thing in the world- some religions even believe that it can heal the body, and although some may attribute it to coincidence, i've willed things to happen without even lifting a finger. drugs hold the key to open your mind and set it free, and you'll literally find your head in the clouds, but you must never lose sight of the ground.
balance, balance, balance.. it's all about balance. just like my yaya tells me.
Monday, December 1, 2008
FUCK!
i've spent the last hour and a half or so tossing and turning in bed, completely uncomfortable and completely anxious. my clothes wrinkle under me, my comforter wrinkles over me, my head is itchy, and i killed a silverfish on my wall, and i'm pretty sure he's got some homies hangin' around near my pillow- actually, i'm sure of it, cuz those fuckers are sneaky. the plan was to stop studying at 1230 then fall asleep to dharma bums. i got sleepy after reading a few pages, but the moment i turned off the lights and tried to sleep, my mind started racing with a million and a half thoughts. i read a few more pages, got sleepy again, and turned off the lights, but then the cycle continued. i have to wake up in four hours for work at 8am, but i guess that's what i get for training by internal clock to sleep at 4 and wake up sometime past noon. thus, i blog.
i was thinking earlier today about how many different things i think about these days now that i lack a love interest. my four blogs prior to this one contained nothing but petty ramblings about how he's not paying attention to me or how cute and happy we are together. i just remember how stifling (and pathetic) it was to not even be able to read, because he hadn't called me back. (here, i use "he" as a general term for any male i've been romantically involved with.) now my mind wanders to the outer depths of everything, but of course, tonight, the feeling in my stomach leaves me lying awake.
i've been dreaming about them lately. them ex-boyfriends. almost every, single one has infected my dreams with "i want you back"s and "what was i thinking"s. and each desperate plea has been met with smiles and butterflies on my end, concluding with us walking arm-in-arm off to some undisclosed location, happy. i doubt it's my subconscious revealing my greatest desires, because if that happened, i'm pretty sure i'd be walking with my face in my hands off to some undisclosed location to scream and curse the complications i'd rather live without. i don't know what it all means, but it's irritating, and maybe it's the fear of having another one of those dreams that's keeping me up tonight. (actually, i'm pretty sure it's just the fact that i woke up past 1pm today.) honestly, i'd rather dream about honeydew melon-faced men in trench coats with egg noodle hair and raisin eyes making my mom and i eat vats of corned beef hash. (true story.)
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