i don't know if you ever have, but i am quite familiar with smoking myself into sheer delirium. i smoke myself into an uncontrollable food binge, where my stomach screams no, but my mouth screams, "yes! YESS! YEEEESSSSSS!!!!!!" i talk a whole bunch of nonsense, and do funny dances in my kitchen. although i'd like to deny that i'm addicted, i do think that i must come to terms with how much of a hold my babygirl mary jane has on me. no matter how bad she is, i just keep running back. maybe it's like that toxic avenger song, bad girls need love, too?

i learned tonight that although alcohol makes me talk a lot of bullshit, it's severely difficult for me to lie. when it comes to things that matter, i can't be anything but honest with myself and with other people. even if i wish i could feel a certain way, i can't force anything, because i've gotten to this point where i needn't bother myself with unnecessary things i don't want to do. i have often sought to minimize my material life, but have gotten rid of old things only to replace them with new things. but i have succeeded in minimizing my social life and romantic life. as self-righteous as it is, a lot of people simply don't exist to me anymore, but hey, it's easier that way.

i was sober for eight days straight before last night, a life record as of late, and i learned that being sober is just as trippy (if not more so) as being intoxicated. but it's a little more uncomfortable. i have learned that drugs simply make you feel comfortable, they make you not give a fuck, which can be good, but also lead to something really bad. after i smoked weed today, i didn't give a fuck about my photomontage project due on thursday or the mess in my room that has been hangin' out with me for a couple months now. but after a few hours, i got restless and drove my ass to target just for the hell of it.

i realized today that i need to stop thinking about things before i do them. i waste a lot of time considering, "should i do this... or that... or anything at all?" this first entry is a declaration that i will stop thinking and start doing.

"thing to do" #1: lose some damn weight and get my ass into art school. i am unsatisfied, but mary jane keeps seducing me into complacency. after this last bowl to knock me out, it's bye bye, baby boo. i am better off without you. i hope to sing "since i left you, i've found the world so new," and understand.

anjelicapazprojects-- this will be a document of art as life and life as art.